From "Extraordinary Means" by Robyn Schneider

Written on snippets of scratch paper, to ponder on. The most interesting part is pondering the reason I felt compelled to write down these parts. I think I'm working hard on finding meaning in my own existence.

No one kept in touch, they just kept up. And then, when they couldn't keep up anymore, they forgot. (p. 170)

Yes, we'll party like nameless minor characters in a novel about someone else. (Sadie, p. 246, about Great Gatsby)

We mourn the future because it's easier than admitting that we're miserable in the present. (Lane, p. 249)

Haven't you ever thought about it? What you want to leave behind, and what you don't? (p. 261)

It's strange how we can lose things that are still right there. How a barrier can go up at any moment, trapping you on the other side, keeping you from what you want. How the things that hurt the most are the things we once had. (p. 276) 

Being temporary doesn't make something matter any less, because the point isn't for how long, the point is that it happened. (p. 284)

I was tired of being an empty box, of maintaining a checklist instead of a passion, of having skipped so many rites of passage that were lost to me now.

We all reach for whatever we think is going to dull the pain, and sometimes we don't even want whatever it is, we just want not to be miserable, you know. 

I really did enjoy this novel, particularly the humor of the characters. The medical aspect of it (XDR-TB) was also very compelling and emotionally moving to me. Prior to this book I finished Allegiant, and currently I'm reading Wink Poppy Midnight. All three books have the multiple-character first person format, and so far, Extraordinary Means felt the most natural and easy to follow. Granted, I'm just getting into Wink Poppy Midnight so I feel like the flow will pick up as I keep reading. Allegiant was difficult to get through from the get-go and I only truly appreciated the switching perspectives at the very end  -- I couldn't feel connected to the male voice at all, after hearing the female voice for the previous two books.

Also, while I'm cleaning out papers with quotes on them, here's a few more I found from Mr. Penumbra's 24-Hour Bookstore by Robin Sloan. They have a completely different feeling:

If fidgets were Wikipedia edits, I would have completely revamped the entry on guilt by now, and translated it into five new languages. (p. 80)

It's so egalitarian it's beyond democracy. (p. 87)

And some things from Divergent, I guess:

I don't need them -- but do I want them? Every tattoo I got with them is a mark of their friendship, and almost everytime I have laughed in this dark place was because of them. I don't want to lose them. But I feel like I have already. (p. 275) 

Believe in the ordinary acts of bravery. (Dauntless)

Finally, here's that reminder to myself to someday watch, The Kingdom of Dreams and Madness about Hayao Miyazaki.

What the receipts remind me

From El Paso and Las Cruces, snippets of the week spent there for MTNA.

Shot glasses and animal keychains, NMSU memorabilia in maroon and black. A captain crunch frappe from the Barnes & Nobles/University Bookstore, an acutely retail feeling in a quiet college town. Walking past frat houses on flat streets, not a student in sight.

Extra-large egg shakers from the zoo, textured with colorful, raised designs, one for each sister. The brisk winter air, the scrawny animals slinking to the corners of their pens, the closed Dippin' Dots cart. Empty walkways, like the zoo was ours and ours alone to enjoy. Sitting together on carved benches and statues of animals of all types. Our stupid faces squeezed everywhere: from meercats and groundhog peekholes, to the Christmas toyland cutouts at the mall, a bright, sunny bus ride away.

My first purchase from Express: a slightly worn denim jacket, slightly too small, but too cute and too on sale to pass up. Tyler picked himself a blue tie. Then, later, in the hotel room, Shawn, shrugging it on, much to tight and binding to his frame, a goofy image not to be forgotten. Playing mau in the dim light on the round table in the room, and my bed, a nest of blanket and pillows in the corner of the room.

An $8 ride up Wyler Aerial Tramway. The perfectly cool and clear skies, the sun that lent a glow to the dry Texan slopes speckled with bushes, and the stretching, endlessly stretching, expanse of land. Shawn, with his fear of heights, and Ryan, with his blatant disregard of them, forever confident and brave and proud within himself. Gold and silver pencils, two feet long,

Chachi's on the final night, and Ryan's stomach of unrest that followed. No qualms, sipped perfect horchata, walking distance from our hotel, bundled in the cool night air.

Of course, there are things that they can't remind me of: the hours on the plane, sandwiched between Tyler and Shawn playing Pokemon X in earnest, the moments waiting in the airport as the new year chimed in. The hours together, walking and riding and eating and practicing, tears and smiles and laughs and all.

2014. I am so very fond of these memories.

Monday, July 18, 2016

Today is a day that felt like a Sunday, slow and sweltering with the summer heat. I woke up at a reasonable hour feeling sticky from the storm the night before. The reasonable rise was only to bring my car to the shop to repair the damages from the littler fender bender I'd gotten into a week or two ago.

Traffic on the H3 was gloriously speedy to the point that I forgot that it was Monday, a day where people slog through crowded cars to get to their equally crowded workspaces. Leaving my car in the lush beauty of the Windward side was far from a gloomy experience. I'm sure the next eight days will be its restorative vacation.

Time ticked even slower back home as I trapped myself in my room without a fan, or a breeze, to accommodate the space necessitated by Mariah and her elementary school friends. Their laughs were so earnest and so loud, I wondered if I would've been that joyful with the friends I had then. It crossed my mind that it may be interesting to reconnect with them, but honestly, what would be the point? Our lives took separate ways long before and it would only be an act of earnest curiosity that would bring us back into each other's lives again for more than a passing conversation, much less an afternoon together.

I found it within myself to dig into that Express bag full of unsorted receipts. I'd been reluctant to touch them; I didn't want to go through the work of inputting them into my transaction spreadsheets. The beauty of these sheets, though, is that they only start in January of this year. I was pleasantly surprised to find receipts from December of 2015, which I tossed after a quick glance if it wasn't for a major purchase. (Thankfully, but embarrassingly, a lot of my receipts were for food). However, when I found a bag of receipts from 2013-2014, I was taken aback. A little afraid, even.

In the haunting way that receipts can be, they chronicled just a small part of my final year as an undergraduate. They are parts of that final semester leading up to graduation, when I didn't drive myself places but took the bus to eat instead, when I still went on adventures with Megan and Cheyenne after classes, when I took naps in my dorm with the setting sun leaking between downtown Honolulu onto the black and green and brown and white that predominated my UHM experience. My dinners were with friends or alone, the meal decided by me. Compare that to now, in which dinner with family is the norm and when leaving them feels like a betrayal.

I threw away those receipts save for the one for textbook purchases. They remind me too much of the person I used to be, left behind, let slip away. Time really does fly... whether or not you're having fun. I can't tell if, since graduation, I've not been having enough fun or just too much of it.

Whichever it is, I made a little progress today letting go of some of the clutter of the past. I'm still, as always, trying to get a grip on who I am in the present. Even that's changed in the course of these few summer months. Here's to that continuous destruction and reconstruction of self, a cycle of rebirth through simply being that repeats on every level of our existence, from our thoughts down to the cells that create us.

Past, present and future

I went to the Disney concert today, entitled Tale as Old as Time. Boy, was it a concert that made me think about the passing of time. I somehow spent the whole day before it accomplishing nothing much at all, simply absorbed in media. And then, I spent a lot of time driving around to accommodate  other's schedules and requests. We had coffee (tried the new latte macchiato with hazelnut syrup) before getting ice cream (Hawaiian mud pie grabber) and curly fries.

The concert itself surprised me with visuals to accompany the audio, as well as a whole group of singers for the program. (I should've expected this based on all the previous Pops concerts I've gone to, really.) I found the singers decent, but one of the male singer's "gruff" character voice got tiring by the end, and one of the female's got quite nasally. In general, I found the drums and singers too loud; They covered the orchestra. By the end I just wanted to hear more strings, so I was thankful for the Tchaikovsky and Sleeping Beauty feature (though it seemed too chaotic). Favorites; Tangled and Beauty and the Beast.

As we watched, I realized that most images being shown were things that I didn't remember, making me question if I'd seen the actual movie. My childhood was filled with playing Disney songs -- I was my own soundtrack - so my knowledge of them could have easily come from just the book and not the movie. Things that were familiar to others, from Hercules to Tangled's songs, were far from familiar to me. It did make me realize that my memory has little hold.

Driving everyone home made me kind of feel empty, in addition to not really eating full meals today -- I had a lot of potato skins instead. I didn't have enough water and, in the end, I was the one left to make the final call about eating... Even if it was the decision to NOT stay out and eat. I got to chat a bit with Tiffany after the concert, but it just reminded me of how much time has passed since graduation and made me ponder what I should be doing to establish a future for myself. In the present, may people talk about getting a "real" job, which I can kind of now imagine as actually involved in the functioning of our society.

I got some great new tapes today, but everything feels only moderately exciting in the end.

Wardrobe growth

I suppose the capsule wardrobe article influenced me more than I'd expected it would, because after a morning of driving up winding hilly streets, delivering presents with my sister, we ended up shopping the clothes sales.

I pretty much ended up with complete outfits today:

• TOPS: sparkly black cami (flexible), relaxed white v-neck (casual), floral black & blue split-back tank (formal)
• BOTTOMS: sleep shorts (casual), laser-cut black skirt (formal), dark blue jeans (casual and much needed!)
• FOOTWEAR: brown & black strappy sandals (flexible), white & grey patterned slip-ons (casual)

With all the sales, I managed to increase the flexibility and cohesiveness of my wardrobe without making too large a dent in my funds. It's just as well since I saw the cost my tuition would be if I took all the classes I want to this semester.

Furthermore, I just learned what "chambray" means from yesterday's reading, and today I ended up seeing that style of shirt in nearly every store we visited. Let me be honest: I kind of like that style a lot. But, since everyone's selling it and everyone's already wearing it, I'm over this fad before it's even really set in!

Anyway, I'm excited to flesh out my look and reorganize my closet. With mild cleaning, teamwork, and chill adventure as a sister pair, I thing I'm getting ready to turn over a new leaf. I'm excited for spring clothes to reveal themselves!

Hello, 2016

Here's what day 3 of this new year has been like:

READING

Veronica Mars: The Thousand Dollar Tan Line by Rob Thomas and Jennifer Graham
A book picked purely because at one point in my life I'd been addicted to Season 1 of Veronica Mars in a way I hadn't felt about a TV series before. Currently about halfway through and the mystery and thrill levels are up.

Un-Fancy: How to Build a Capsule Wardrobe and other posts
I'm not the most fashionable of girls and my wardrobe is a complete mess. I saw this linked on another person's Facebook wall and couldn't resist giving it a read to satisfy the Teen Vogue reader in me. Let's face it - some day I actually want to look more put together than I actually am.

Pitchfork: Albums of the Year 2015 Honorable Mentions mostly for future reference
I'm constantly trying to find new music. Semi-consciously, I tend to stray away from the mainstream and go for the indie or the underdog. Sometimes, that ends up with weird music and me listening to things for the wrong reason. This is a list from which I hope to find something new to love.

LISTENING

Galaxy Swim Team releases, in particular:
- into stardust by astroskeleton, which I listened to in full and found no harm in downloading
- lumine by bansheebeat, which I listened to in part, mostly only "lumine" and "polestar"
- [GST-01], because I wanted to get an idea of the label (I am mid-listen and liked "take me with you" by SYNCHRONICITY)
- a sentimental cry by clover & sealife, something I only got halfway through yesterday because I enjoyed the production but needed to get over the not-quite-as-satisfactory singing

Car Seat Headrest
"Something Soon" and "The Ending of Dramamine" in the first 11 minutes of this KEXP live session because someone on Tumblr posted some really well-shot photos of the frontman and, let's be honest, I have a weakness when it comes to those glasses and that kind of hair. Terrible, I know. Anyway, from what I've heard I am not quite into this kind of music. But I will probably give it another chance in another mood.

FEELING

I Skyped with Katherine earlier this evening and what lingered with me is the consideration of feeling lonely, after all these holidays are over and the rush of family time has passed. It's one thing to stay connected with all the people you know and love and a different thing to spend time in their physical presence. Even though absence is the lack of presence, "nothing", it can still be felt.

And it's that feeling which has settled into me as I've read the slightly chilling Veronica Mars mystery, as I've listened to the spacey sounds of astroskeleton, and the seemingly angsty and distanced vocals of Car Seat Headrest. Honestly, I've tried to move away from lingering in this weird place of loneliness and hyperawareness of the realities of life. I try as best as I can to listen to pop music, to chiptune that moves me emotionally to positive feelings. I avoid thinking about space because it reminds me of nothingness, death, and our fleeting existence. I drown myself in media so I don't drown myself in thoughts.

I know that it is up to me to make 2016 as good, emotionally, as I want it to be. I also know that fears are normal things to have and that they shouldn't constantly be ignored. There will be good in every day, as long as I choose to see it. Skyping with Katherine is a strong example, and will continue to be one in the months to come.

Some other great things from today: sharing Buca's with loved ones (even though amazingly, someone named Roman had reserved for exactly the same time as we had), hearing the youngest sister go through piano books to learn a little bit, and hearing from G about potential planner-things. It's all been encouraging me to do more, such as returning to this blog.

We'll see, 2016. Whatever you hold, I'm sure I'll find something I love, soon.

Me: Do you ever listen to music you dont particularly like cuz you think the artist is cute?? I was trying to find new vaporwave but 2016 music hasn't been satisfying enough...

G: That is literally Kpop

G: So much of the music is just trash

G: But I'm too deep it starts sounding good..... 

XO
R

Secret Santa 2015

What up homies!!! Another year has come and gone so I have returned to this blog for the sole purpose of putting some things I covet in a single place. If you're my Santa, just know that I will enjoy anything you get me, even if it's not on my list. New things are just a lot of fun.

~*Calendar preferences*~

• monthly calendar: wall or desk is fine
• size doesn't matter because I don't tend to write on calendars; only planners (bonus: small enough to carry around?)
• I really don't like having real people pictures on calendars. Pretty please don't force me under the gaze of a stranger ;_;
• art preferences: Monet, other impressionist artists, trees, nature, sunlight, cityscapes
• super bonus: handmade calendar with photos you chose (lol if it's of yourself. I guess you'd be the exception to the real people pictures)

~*2015 wishlist*~

MIX CD of music you like - dearest Santa, this is the only thing I really really really want for Christmas. If you can't make me a physical one, even an actual list of songs would suffice. I believe that the music we like, especially those we call our favorites, and especially those we share with others, creates strong bonds. Let me be bonded with you~ (but seriously; please help keep my music fresh and varied)

 

SHOULDER REST (~$20) - This is more a need than a want, exactly, but if you'd like to play it safe, I'd like a Kun shoulder rest, non-collapsible (original), for a 4/4 violin (full size) to replace my disintegrating one.

MUSIC STAND (~$30) - This is extremely practical but I would like a non-wire music stand such as this black Gearlux one, vented, because it has actually knobs to loosen and tighten at all the moving parts.

(A LIST OF) BOOKS - The thing about books is that there is little likelihood of me re-reading them, so sometimes these aren't the best investment. Doesn't mean I don't love reading them, though! A list of your favorites? Your TBR list?

MASSAGE - If you can get me a $30 massage somewhere, or a certificate for a massage, that would increase my happiness levels immensely. My shoulder/neck bothers me now and then.

CONTOURING - If you're good with make-up, I'd want a dark shade of something that is nice to my face and can put in the hollows of my cheeks. Is this called bronzer? I think it's bronzer.

SOYMILK - Vanilla flavored soymilk is my new coffee creamer because it doesn't cost me an extra $0.50 if I make a barely passing attempt at a latte at home and it also doesn't make me exhausted like cow milk does.

NERDERY & MISC - I like Gravity Falls, Over the Garden Wall, science themed kitchenware, Professor Layton, Ace Attorney, Kuragehime, and Doctor Who, somewhat? Polaroid instax mini film is useful. Jellyfish and cat motifs are A+++. I currently have been listening to Macklemore and Estelle though my heart goes to Fall Out Boy, the Hush Sound, and Bo-En. I like 80s shoujo, spring, and fall clothes/color schemes and would dare someone to buy me clothes lol. Please, do not get me celery under any circumstances.

Things I kind of already have too much of BUT would still make me happy:

• glittery eyeshadow - ($5 at The Face Shop) I'm not skilled with makeup at all but I kind of want this creamy glittery stick in brown or the pinkish/coralish or even the purplish color. (Over Girl Edge Stick Eyes) 

 

• deco/washi tape - ~$3-7 each; The washis I have are mostly simply patterned; I don't have a lot of solid color or thin washis like those in the pictured set, but I like cute things like animals, happy colors/patterns, and vintage/scrapbook-like designs... the MT brand in the Stickerrific store could easily drain my bank account.
• hair bows - $2-7 each; I wear these but also try to shy away from being super girly or have something that stands out immensely, like the color yellow. Also, if it doesn't have an alligator clip with teeth, it won't stay in my hair. Alternatively, you could buy me a ton of these clips so I can make my own bows. (:

• office/craft/art supplies - My greatest weakness. I'm starting to want pens with as thin of a nib (?) as possible, ~0.38 mm or less! If anything, maybe a set of  watercolor cakes with mixing pans (~$15-20; I already have watercolor pencils and waterbrushes...)? Or a book that can teach me how to do them?
• Lupicia tea - ~$6-10 for a bag of 10 teabags; Though really, I have too much tea.

• art prints - I tell myself not to purchase prints because they're not extremely useful. But I 've been eyeing out Crowd and Sea Uribo & Jellyfish amongst many other beautiful prints by maruti-bitamin.

When shopping gets tough:
Don't worry Santa. A Barnes and Nobles gift card, Amazon giftcard, Starbucks giftcard, or cash would be fine... as long as you give me a list of new tunes to listen to with it :P (please no iTunes cards though).

Thank you Santa!